


Vampire Bytes

by mhamiltonwrites



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (2014)
Genre: Comedy, Dark Comedy, F/M, Gen, Other, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:41:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28916268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mhamiltonwrites/pseuds/mhamiltonwrites
Summary: Viago tries his hand at online dating. This goes about as well as expected.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	Vampire Bytes

**Author's Note:**

> This short and silly piece originally featured in a What We Do In The Shadows fanzine. I'm a huge fan of the original movie, though I haven't yet watched the TV series. It sounds fantastic, and once I have I may well return to write a few more pieces in this fandom. Thank you for reading!

A house in the suburbs of Wellington, New Zealand. Old, withered, dead. But that which is dead does not go so quietly around here…

Step into the hall and you’ll find an interior in a state of decay, the organs of the thing falling apart even faster than the bones, held together by little more than hope and whispered prayers to gods who would not listen even if the speaker pleaded for pious reprieve. There is no mercy in the heavens for monsters; and believe me when I warn you that this is a house of monsters. 

You’ll find old houses like it in every town if you know where to look. How old is your house? When was the last time you double-checked the noise in the basement, that groan in the attic, just to be certain this time, that you are absolutely, definitely, undeniably alone? Why don’t you check again? Just to be sure.

The chamber had perhaps once been grand, modestly palatial even, but time had eroded even the most former of glories. It sat within the house now like a concrete bowling ball on a prized porcelain ornament, every surface heavy with dust and grime, the stench of decay settled so deeply into the soft furnishings that the strongest sprays of Febreeze would give up and go into real estate. The only light was the cold white glow of a computer monitor, ancient by current standards but still a bizarre blip of modernity amongst the faded chintz and mouldering mahogany. Illuminated in its stark glare sat a pale figure, dressed in garb that could charitably be described as vintage, dark hair and eyes studying the screen with furrowed intensity. At a glance the figure would seem nothing more than a man; all the easier to hunt. Draw but a little closer however, and the lingering odour of death would start to waft; those oh-so-sharp incisors would glitter; and that hungering gaze would catch your eyes, forcing you to realize all too late that you were no longer in the presence of something you could comfortably call “human.” 

The screen flashed, a page of words and colours snapping into place. A message of ill intent no doubt, perhaps some instruction from the creature’s dark masters, or passages from the most forbidden of sacraments. Slender hand shaking with anticipation, the pale figure typed out its response, fingers moving awkwardly, stumbling unpractised across the keys like a pianist forced to improvise a fresh take on a Billy Joel classic for the eighth time that hour. Word by word its reply took form, the letters caught in all-caps, demanding, ferocious. “USERNAME: VIAGOGOBABY”

Viago held his breath as the page loaded. He didn’t ever have to breath these days, unless he was really trying to seem alive, but something about this whole process had him feeling young again, back in his prime, an unsure adolescent taking those first awkward steps in the vague direction of manhood. The modem hummed as the page loaded, byte by byte, until at last, the OKCupid logo beamed back at him. 

It had been a journey, setting up his profile. “It’s a page all about you,” Stu had explaine. “You know, what you like and stuff.” Viago struggled at first but with a little work he’d managed to fill in the various forms. Annoyingly it was some of the absolute basics that were still causing him a headache. Age especially so.

He could practically hear Nick in his ear even now, days later. “Everyone lies online, all the time. That’s the whole point. So just make something up.” That didn’t sit right with Viago. He was here to find love, to lead the unwitting into the dark embrace of vampiric affection. It hardly seemed appropriate to begin with an outright lie. Viago shook his head and typed out three digits. “379.” Viago stared at the number. It  _ was  _ rather large, at least by mortal standards. In the undead community he was practically in the prime of his unlife but mortal women could be so picky. He moved the cursor back a few steps, erased the 379 and typed a fresh response. “VERY ATTRACTIVE MALE… NEW ZEALAND… 35.” There. Perfect! 

Viago swallowed his distaste away with the quick rationale that this was all in the service of the greater good. The times there were a’changin’ and all that. It had originally been Nick’s idea; there was a whole online world of women out there who’d gladly spend time with someone claiming to “be Twilight” as he insisted on calling it. Why not try chatting them up? Viago sniffed. It was hardly fitting to call what he did “chatting them up.” He was a poet, a classically-born creature of the night; to describe his seductions in such terms was a vile disservice. Nick could be so crude.

Suddenly he noticed an exclamation point over the little envelope in the corner of the page. Stu had explained this too. “Means someone’s sent you a message. They want to talk and stuff.” How exciting! Hurriedly, Viago dragged the mouse over to the enveloped and clicked. He did indeed have a message. Trudy, 33, Wellington. The same town even! Her page explained that she was new to the dating scene and looking for fun. Well, Viago could certainly help with that.

Her message was a simple “Hello! How are you?” An intriguing opening gambit. He would have to be careful; Nick had counselled him about coming on too strong. 

“WHY WELCOME FAIR MAIDEN.” A good start. Friendly, approachable. Now to start reeling her in with his vampiric wiles. His fingers clacked across the old keyboard, dust motes dancing from between the letters. “IT IS THE FINEST PLEASURE TO TALK TO YOU UPON THIS EVE.”

It was a few moments before she responded, a single word. “Lol.” This was followed by a strange icon, a colon and the number three. Viago reached for a post-it note Stu had affixed to the side of the monitor, a cheat-sheet for getting through the more inscrutable parts of internet interaction. Ah! Laugh out loud and a smile! Viago preened. He was better at this internet dating than he had given himself credit for. 

Another flash on the monitor. She had responded. “So… time for the usual getting to know u questions lol. What do u do for fun?”

Viago glanced about the room. It betrayed little that could be considered a hobby. Vampiric hobbies were mostly born out of boredom. Three hundred years of undeath really took the fun out of life. He spotted the accordion in the corner of the room. Women loved a man who could play an instrument didn’t they? “I’M A MUSICIAN” he laboriously typed, backspacing several times until he was certain of the spelling. 

“That’s cool! What kind of music do you play?”

“THE MUSIC OF THE NIGHT.”

“Like goth stuff? I’m more of a pop fan myself. U know, like Coldplay?”

“I HAVE NOT HEARD OF THIS FORM OF PERFORMANCE. HOW DOES ONE PLAY COLDLY?”

“Serious?? that’s the name of the band lol. That’s funny, its like they get played everywhere these days. Do u not really follow pop then? Is it like a hipster thing haha”

Viago was lost again. Desperately he opened another tab on the browser and searched for hipster. A page of bearded men stared back at him. Some had flowers in their hair. Silently he cursed his lack of facial hair. It was just so hard to grow it out these days. If he left it alone for a couple of decades he sometimes got something resembling a five o’clock shadow, but even then it was more a half-past-three shadow if he was being honest with himself. Despairing of his lot he returned to the previous page. “I’M A LITTLE OUT OF DATE.”

“Lol thats okay! Just means i get to show u sometime.” The last letter was followed by what appeared to be another strange icon, this time a semi-colon followed by a bracket? Viago glanced over at the cheat sheet again. Aha! A winking face! What was it that Nick had said? “If they send that one, you’re definitely in, mate.” Well, well. It seemed his vampiric wiles had already worked their magic over Trudy’s heart. Unsurprising; mortals couldn’t help themselves when confronted with the forbidden romance his honeyed words promised. 

“YOU MAY LEAD ME ANY WHERE INTO THAT SWEET FORBIDDEN NIGHT FAIR MAIDEN.” A little flair, just to show her she was dealing with a complex, intelligent man. Far unlike the riffraff who Viago was sure usually troubled her.

There was a long pause before his new digital paramour responded. “Lol… Bit intense there. Most folks start with a coffee or something.”

Viago snorted. Coffee? The most pedestrian of romantic possibilities. Modern times seemed devoid of true passion. Still, a date was a date. “YES COFFEE SWEET AND SEDUCTIVE AS DARKEST EVE.”

“Right… U like your poetry huh?”

“IT IS THE NOBLEMANS ART TO WIN THE HEART OF THE FINEST PARAMOURS.”

“ok… So do u know any good coffee spots?”

Viago paused for a moment, unsure how to respond. He was aware of several coffee shops in the neighbourhood, but an inability to ingest anything that wasn’t blood without imminent, violent stomach upset had kept him from trying any of them out. Maybe a touch of honesty wouldn’t go amiss this time. “I DO NOT GET OUT DURING THE DAY VERY MUCH.” He winced in embarrassment seeing his words in bold black type before him. Immortality certainly had its perks but on paper the lifestyle did seem pretty tragic.

Or not. His eyebrows raised in surprise as he read Trudy’s quick response; “More of a night owl huh? Very cool.” 

Or maybe not. Well, if this fine young lady thought the sound of that was cool, Viago had plenty more where that came from. He cracked his knuckles. This would impress her. “YES TIS IN THE NIGHT WHERE I MAKE MY HOME AND WANDER LIKE A SHADOW THROUGH THE TWILIGHT.”

There was a long, long pause. Viago crossed his fingers under the desk. This was always the most exciting part, when the pretty prey were caught up in the forbidden dance of fear and desire, where the darkness began to gather around and creep towards her swelling-

His revery was interrupted by the sudden arrival of Trudy’s response. “U know what? Could u stop the weird poetry thing maybe? It’s really offputting when I’m just trying to talk to you like an adult u know?”

Oh shitballs.

Viago hastily typed out his response. Time to pull it back a little bit. “IF MY METHOD OF SPEECH IS TOO ELABORATE IN ITS VERBOSITY FOR YOU TO FOLLOW I WILL OF COURSE RESTRAIN MYSELF.” There we go, that would do it.

“Did u just call me thick?? 

Or not. Damn it all. Viago internally berated himself for his foolishness. The internet, it seemed, was no place for waxing lyrical. Of course he’d been too much too quickly. Typical Viago. It seemed that off or online he couldn’t help but self-sabotage, as if captaining the Titanic and aiming squarely for every iceberg in his path. “I MEANT NO OFFENSE.”

“You’re being kindof a dickhead, mate.”

“I CAN BE BETTER.” Reading it back he sounded desperate even to himself.

“Piss off.”

And with that she was most certainly gone, along with any chance of that coffee. Her last two words sat on the screen, the simple message a stone-cutting pin hammered through the crumbled meringue of Viago’s heart. A wave of loneliness suddenly struck the vampire. The years of little company other than that of the undead, of longing for a mortal woman who had almost certainly forgotten all memory of their tender moments, suddenly felt all too heavy for him to bear. Online or in person, it seemed these encounters were doomed to end messily. Admittedly that was usually due to blood spatter on the ceiling but still. Viago glumly refreshed the page, just in case. Nothing.

“Why the long face, sad boy?” Viago turned. It was Deacon, of course, here to rub his face in his failure just as he loved to do. Deacon was his usual picture of swaggering braggadocio, his grubby shirt open from collar to navel, his hair arranged into his best attempt at uncaring dishevelment. Not that Deacon ever looked particularly sheveled to begin with. “That’s your mistake right there. Online dating? Please. All the cool and sexy folks such as me are on the Tinder.”

“I hardly think it appropriate to combine romance and fire hazards, Deacon.”

“It is an app on the telephones! Quick and easy, lots of singles. Much better than trying to put together something on the websites. Those places are only for the most desperate wretches.” He glanced at Viago’s crestfallen face. “No offense.” 

Viago sniffed huffily. “Perhaps it is a generational thing. Gentlemen of my age prefer the careful pursuit, a chase over time rather than your rush to… conclusions.”

“What can I say? Seduction’s a young vampire’s game, Viago! A faint buzz emanated from the pocket of his grime-streaked pantaloons. “Ah ha!” Deacon proudly pulled out a smartphone, its screen shining in the gloom. “Sounds like I’m getting lucky tonight! At least one of us knows how to get a lady’s attention!!” He grinned devilishly as he read through the message, then in a singular deft movement pulled the front of his britches out wide and snapped a photograph of his exposed groin. “Talk to you later, loser!”

Viago sighed heavily. It truly seemed that romance was indeed dead. Then again, so were they and it hadn’t stopped them yet. He returned to the screen and refreshed the page again. Still nothing. He could wait though. 

It wasn’t as if he was going to run out of time. 

  
  



End file.
